When You See Someone You Used To Love And They Are A Stranger

On a pub / band crawl with friends in Vallarta, I enter the bar and have to squeeze by you as you were setting up your drums near the crowded entry door…

Wow, Kevin, You could not after two years, muster a simple, “Hello.”

Recall, I was ecstatic with my life in Oregon and having traveled/worked in 14 countries. You, Kevin, are the one who deliberately stopped the band – your band – two years ago to introduce yourself to me.

Two years later, I realize you are the dark one who requires another’s light to shine.

That makes me so sad. When I first met you, you were sparkly, with a wide smile and genuine heart. Between the two of us, we had the whole world. You broke my heart with the promise of your whole heart; all the while you deceived me.

I will never understand how one spends intimate moments, sharing deep love and vivid dreams, and yet can deny the spark that launched a thousand dreams ever happened. You must be really empty if you can spend two years loving a woman, accept every gift (not just ‘things’), and put on record that she is the angel you have been praying for, but cannot spare a second to acknowledge her. That is a sad commentary on your soul. I pray you find your way back to the musical magic that originally jumpstarted your heart.

The fact you could not acknowledge the woman you loved, the one who believed in you so much, she sacrificed her own work-life to help you realize your dreams. The positive-energy woman who led her life out loud with so much enthusiasm for living and love for you that her son and daughter-in-love carved out a special place for you at their wedding table. The faithful woman who regularly made her way across the miles to you and waited for you while you went through the Visa process. The understanding band widow. The one who kept the home fires burning hot so you could fall gently into the quiet retreat of solitude.

You greedily took it all, all the while knowing you would never be able to keep your promises. As there were others who were also this woman.

This is why I left you.

This is certainly why you have lost your manners, and your voice.

The rest will simply be the rest…

~ Just L (January 12, 2019)

Author’s Note: I write poems of love and loss. This is neither of those.

Did he deceive me from the beginning? I will never know. What I do know is the rest of my life will be as fabulous as before he entered it. As for him, all I know for sure is that lack of integrity has a way of making one miserable.

Full Recovery

It has been 10 years since I boldly raised two bonus daughters in the face of their father’s addiction and downward spiral.

Much of my poetry at the time, reflected my struggle.

Raising the Bottom – November 14, 2008
Good Grief – December 21, 2008
Divorce Declaration – December 6, 2009

My poems were published as a three-part piece in the Community College Moment, Volume 11, Spring 2011. The focus was “Recovery.”

What most don’t know is that I, too, was suffering from own tragedy, which in part, sent my (then) husband on a dark journey he has not yet recovered from.

I wrote about my own experience in “Who Me? Yes you. (Me, too)”

Since I was first published in the September 1998 Blender of Love Digest. Long before anyone knew who “Just L” was as I didn’t pen under my own name until 2015, the year I was first nominated for the National Poetry Series, I had only written about two subjects: Love and Loss.

This month, I received the most wonderful gift when my youngest bonus daughter, now 23, texted me:

image1 (1)

She plans to use her benefits as a flight attendant to visit me at my casa in Puerto Vallarta soon.

My heart is full.

Full recovery.

~ Just L (October 26, 2018)

She thinks I am in love with you

She thinks I am in love with you

I don’t know what she sees
Everything I do and dare
My bedhead hair
How I walk on air?

(No.)

I don’t know what she hears
An old tape (in her head) stuck on play
International spies and hearsay
Listening to me sipping cabernet?

(Likely.)

I don’ t know her sources
We do not share friends, clearly
Did you talk, Siri?
Does she read my poetry?

(Maybe so.)

But, I know how she feels
I’m the best thing you ever had
I’m not crazy, I’m mad
Was I that bad?

(Yes.)

You think she knows you are in love with me?

~Just L (May 22, 2018)

Author’s Note: An oh so familiar tape. Unfortunately.

She Thought She Was Clever

She thought she was clever
Spending her life
Plotting his grief
She was never content
He found relief
Time marched on
Her heart a stone
Not understanding
Why she’s alone
She thought she was clever
Spending her life
Wishing his happiness cease
She clung to righteousness
He was at peace
Years passed by
Her bitterness grew
Why she didn’t have love
She never knew
She thought she was clever
Spending her life

~Just L (February 1, 2018)

This Will Be In My Memoirs

With you, that day in the forest
Was remarkable
Thinking aloud, I went
This will be in my memoirs

Writing as I do
Some nights are painful reminders
Of something fleeting
Penned on the page

Where emotions were raw
Because I never believed
I would feel any other way

Your voice’s intonation
Matched the sunset
Exquisite in its ability to warm
My heart

Expressive of some meaning
It’s a huge moment
To have feelings about it is more than okay

You never know how you will do
On the big stage
Chase your dreams
You’re lucky to have one
If not two

I cannot live without my dreams
And my memories are all my own
But, I know I can live without you.

~Just L (August 1, 2017)