Confessions – Fall Out

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…”

I don’t know why it is taking me so long to fall out of love. Far longer than it took me to fall in.

When we first met, I was initially cautious and had no intention of allowing my emotions to get involved beyond initial attraction and enjoying his company. Yet, I soon found, much to my delight, he was as smitten with me as I was with him. We were, by all accounts, a striking couple — Perfectly suited, at ease, happy, and cute together, to boot.

Our spark was a reflection of how lucky we were to find each other in the middle of a full life lived before our chance meeting a little over two years ago. Our staying power was built on a foundation of appreciation for the simple things, and a deep trust and understanding that never felt like work. We were crazy in love.

Until he suddenly wasn’t. (Not just “one day” but in the span of less than one day.)

I loved the way I felt when I was with him. I loved the life we shared with each other, and the one we were creating together. I have every reason to believe every moment between us was real and reciprocated. So, perhaps I should not be surprised this is requiring more effort than simply getting up and brushing myself off.

It feels more like climbing, and I find everything in me screams this is entirely the wrong direction!

Al & Lori Fav Moments~Just L (Still about him, July 5, 2016)

Author’s Note: You may see me laugh and play, but the sacredness of our love has not gone away.

“Maybe I should get a checklist”

She says that she does not look for anything particular in a man: “Maybe I should get a checklist – I’ve never had one. But love always redefines itself, doesn’t it? What really changes is that the priority in a relationship becomes fierce honesty and comfort with oneself. That becomes really sexy. As opposed to, ‘I’m going to put this mask on and pretend I’m this person.’”

Recently she bumped into a friend who had been married for 40 years. “He has a very beautiful marriage to his amazing wife, and I said, ‘How did you guys do it?’ And he said, ‘The key is we never wanted a divorce on the same day.’ That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.” At first I think she is joking but she is not. “It gives room to the truth,” she says.

~Laura Dern Interview by Helena de Bertodano, The Telegraph, June 15, 2014

Confessions – Slow (e)Motion

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Just L on the first day of summer (2016)

 It is the first day of summer… It is just sinking in that he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day.

I may be a little slow… But, how could he let spring go?

~Just L (About him, June 21, 2016)

Author’s Note: Though I am well-known as a hopeful romantic, I genuinely had no expectations for this particular day. Nevertheless, in retrospect, I certainly didn’t anticipate this outcome. He decidedly, without so much as a conversation, let us go.

Research shows that conflict is common on Valentine’s Day, especially where one partner is romantic and the other is cynical and views the day as a marketing ploy and detests it. This can easily give rise to other feelings about the direction of the relationship in general and compatibility. Interestingly, it can actually be the romantic partner who initiates a Valentine’s Day breakup because things didn’t turn out perfectly from the moment the day started––be aware of this!

Clotthes by Katie Brown Los Angeles. See this picture on Instagram.

Love’s Last Days

poetry books

Do you know the feeling when you are approaching the last pages of a lovely book and you are not quite ready for the story to end? Savoring, perhaps even re-reading paragraphs so you can stay in that sweet state of sensory bliss just a wee bit longer? I am there. “There are better books to tackle,” they say. But, I adored our story so very deeply. I treasured every silly and sacred page. I am not quite ready to let the scent of it in my hands go; I like its weight; I want to feel the bind. A beautiful love story of 583 days that began not so long ago…. Only my hero left on page 459.

~Just L (June 15, 2016)

Author’s Note: I have read many books in my lifetime. I was so certain there would be a plot twist, a surprise ending, a volume two.

wait until she leaves you

wait until she leaves you

when you wake up to a life
drenched in grief, limbs heavy
her scent still on your skin

the coloured-everything-and-then-left
ache of her unloving,
the absent presence of her

everywhere, every minute,
her laughter, her warmth
her throaty, brazen whispers

wait until you wake up
feeling her hands on you and then
remember she is gone

the echoing emptiness
when the once-abundant waterfall
of her love is still

and she is already far away,
her ghost left behind to haunt you
with every heartbeat

then you will know what it is
to be loved by a woman
it is then that you will weep.

~Star of David (January 13, 2016)

You may read and enjoy a decade of Star of David’s romantic poems in The Blender of Love Digest.

Fall

People fall so easily with me
Tripping on the ease
Stumbling on the words
Letting gravity pull them down, down, down
Into my arms
Open
Always open
Hoping
Waiting
Longing
And the Fallen
So thankful for the catch
They remain
They steal the warmth from my skin
Suck the words from my tongue
Take the gifts of my hips
And for a while I believe it is love
And maybe it is
Maybe it was
But I do not love by grasping
Entrapping
And so they go
Leaving as easily as they came
I do not fold my arms to force their stay
Years of falling and catching
Coming and going
Loving and losing
My arms remain open
Always open
Because someday I will know
When he chooses to stay

~Written by Laurel Ahlfeld

Author’s Note: This is a beautifully written piece published as a front page pick in the October 2010 Blender of Love Digest. It spoke to me then, and it speaks to me now and again.  I thought you might enjoy it also.

Crossing Heartbreak

She worked, wrote, pined,
Traveled, dazzled, dined,
Laughed, drank, played,
danced, pranced, prayed,
Once she stopped she slept for days
Wept for herself at length
Regathered her strength
And reopened her heart
It’s a start…

~Just L (May 31, 2016)

100 Days – A Long Time to Long

Perhaps too long….

In 2400 hours or 144,000 minutes

I’ve had approximately 500 dreams
And cried a thousand tears
My heart has beat 10,368,000 times
Still, I am yours yet you are not mine

I’ve blinked 15,360 blinks
Grown three inches of hair
Light has traveled 1,609,479,909,600 miles from the Sun
And I am entirely heart broken

In 100 days F.D.R. established a legacy
100 days of rejection therapy can make you fearless (Jia Jiang’s TED talk)
It is said if you practice anything for 100 days it becomes habit
Shit.

~Just L (May 25, 2016)