I want a man who without a doubt —
and WANTS me in his life.
You are no longer that man who —
I want a man who without a doubt —
and WANTS me in his life.
You are no longer that man who —
Is this how we break up?
WhatsApp messages with one checkmark
You seen holding hands with another in the dark
Repeated calls failed
Without so much as a word you bail
Texts on iPhone are never read
You leave me alone night after night in our bed
Your Facebook profile blocked from view
1 + 1 + another one does not equal 2
No fighting no voices raised
But I feel like I’ve just been tazed
~Just L (September 18, 2018)
Author’s Note: Not about me but I thought it read better in first person.
I gave him my heart. Now he has two.
~Just L (February 25, 2018)
I spent an entire year asking the Universe to let you go, and then the Universe whispered to me, “Let you go.” ~Just L (February 16, 2017)
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and someone special asked me to make plans to go to the coast. I welcome the forethought as last Valentine’s Day was disastrous. After being exclusive with someone for 15 months I was ghosted (on Valentine’s Day which I spent in urgent care). We fell madly in love with each other rather quickly. We were surprisingly in sync, and seemingly shared an appreciation for each other as well as the season in our lives. Unfortunately, it ended as abruptly as it began. It was not the love story that I envisioned in spite of inspiring a plethora of love poems. Ultimately, I found he was not a man of quality or a keeper.
Really the only way things would have turned out differently according to his script, is if I never disagreed or was unhappy with him, if I was perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he “wants” in a partner (Note sarcasm). I have learned that if a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality that you need in a partner – a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. He simply wasn’t ready to settle down, no matter how great of a potential partner I was, he didn’t want to make it work. He did not have the desire to overcome our differences, to get to a better place of understanding. He has an immature grasp of what it takes to work on a relationship in order to hit the amazing place of understanding and become more than simply in sync, but intimate and vulnerable with another. Instead when things get difficult, I predict he will ditch out over and over. There is no reason to blame myself or go through a long list of “should haves”… It doesn’t matter if he is not committed to making it work. A relationship is not about finding the perfect match it is about finding someone who you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. It is an active process. It is about working together. Something I have come to recognize that this man I loved deeply is incapable of. Should he continue this pattern, he will always believe in magical thinking – that there is someone better suited for him somewhere else.
Feeling bad about your latest break up?
There are now mobile relationship-ending services. Simply enter your partner’s name and phone number, and choose from a list of reasons, and the application does the break-up calls and texts for you. It’s brutally honest and to the point.
Whether this behavior has become more predominant with the advent of technology is debatable, but perhaps now it stings more, since there are so many ways to see your beloved interacting with other people while ignoring you. Still, breaking up by virtually disappearing is becoming increasingly popular. Ghosting – Going dark (refusing to return a text, DM, Facebook message, Snapchat or, heaven forbid, phone call), seems to be the new power move.
Getting dumped is brutal. While bad break ups can haunt you, being the bad guy/gal by “forgetting to tell the person you’re breaking up with them” is – in the long run – by far more damaging to the person who is unable to have the difficult face-to-face conversation. Long-term relationships, even celebrity ones, require certain standards of decorum. To disappear is to avoid accountability. So, no matter how inseparable you were, how sizzling the sex was, or how sentimental the memories seem to be, you are better off without someone who believes the silent treatment is acceptable behavior.
I can attest to the fact that it leaves you confused, frustrated, and disrespected as you search for clues to explain the disappearance. At the end of the day, it is the other person who is broken.
While communication failures happen all of the time, avoiding confrontation or conflict is a character flaw. The lazy ghost hopes the problem will just go away if they avoid the other person forever. In fact, you probably already observed this behavior (in interactions with their ex, their child’s other parent, in their work or family relationships, etc.), it simply wasn’t directed at you at the time.
Sure, perhaps you did something to contribute to the break up, but bailing out is not acceptable unless there was abuse or you fear for your safety or sanity. It is clearly cowardice. I contend that being a good human, let alone a partner or parent, requires courage and caring. At the very least a civil conversation, the courtesy of closure.
Interestingly in the age of technology where one may have “too many options” with easy access to social media and dating applications, it becomes more difficult to choose and be happy about it. Knowing that these choices exist might make it more difficult for people to commit and stay committed to their partner. If this is the case, you are likely better without that particular person.
After a long period of personal pain and reflection, I have come to embrace that it was not about me at all… And, in this particular case, there is no upgrade after me. My star will rise and his sun will set. Sad but true. After a phase of flirtation and frolicking, I remain happily eligible until someone equally amazing and worthy wins my heart.
“S/he’s just not that into you” humiliation with ghosting, the trend of — poof— disappearing into thin air is unthinkable to me. There is no shame in being hopeful. It is a shame to be dishonorable. Hanging onto false hope may not be the best way to heal your heart; yet, I take consolation in that it is a heck of a lot healthier than not taking the high road in the first place. It is unlikely that the heartless will have a change of heart, so resist hunting or haunting them as it really only hurts you.
Go ahead admit they are an a-hole, accept the disappointment that the fantasy person you fell in love with doesn’t exist, and let the healing begin!
After ghosting me, Allen (Yes, he has a name) once said to me “I don’t want to talk (apparently ever), and… I don’t care what you say to me or about me, but leave my friends and family out of it.” I laugh at this statement now, as I see clearly that the few friendships he is able to maintain are mostly long distance (with good reason) and I am quite certain his family already knows him all too well.
I only wish I would have recognized the red flags sooner, stopped seeking ways to figure him out, and healed my broken heart long before now, nearly a year later.
This Valentine’s Day my hope is that we all commit to truly loving each other outside of our comfort zone.
With affection for the life lessons in loving, Just L (January 15, 2017)
It is cruel how my own heartbreak betrayed me for so many days. I want you. I hate you. I love you. F* you. Why me? Come back. Go away. I wasn’t ready to stop loving him. After 461 days of bliss, what went wrong? Why did he leave me that way? (February 14, 2016)
I discovered that sometimes one needs to do a lot of screaming at no one in particular before one is ready to settle into the ruin and feel the decay. After avoiding it for seven months, there finally came that day. (September 15, 2016)
At last, 276 days later, my heart feels but it’s not wrecked. I watched as he slammed back two drinks before the concert, reluctantly engaged in small talk while avoiding eye contact, and quickly made his escape. It is so obvious he is hurt but cannot afford to feel. I am so much richer. I have no need to settle. Thank you for letting me get away. (November 16, 2016)
~Just L (November 17, 2016)
Author’s Note: On 11/16/2016, I saw him at our 11/11/2014 first date location… The very same restaurant before the very same concert on both days… Only this time I had a better view. *wink*
Is it a coincidence that it took me the length of a normal pregnancy to arrive at this day?
He is dark and light, a silver lining under shades of grey. Sherpa Hunter illuminating his way. Except for Tequila, steers away from the rocks. Music and Marvel packed among regrets in a box. Like so many attempts to love gone astray.
She is pink and soft like cotton candy under black urban attire. More than a designer label, one of a kind. Dirty martini or crystal encased wine. Be au fait with an ever changing list of poets and songwriters she admires.
Recognizing in kind, their match from the start was plain. Meeting desires never spoken. Embracing messy and beautifully made, healing what afore was broken. Understanding the longing for a life well lived, quotes from revered authors, and tales from the crazy train.
Holding each other’s heart tightly and hand loosely, they fell hard without hardly trying.
So why then did Cupid set a tripwire?
~Just L (November 1, 2016)
He stroked her stomach with one hand
And with the other, grasped her thigh
Her skin so soft lain out before him
Muscles over bone quivering and alive
“I like the way you move. You are so sexy,” he stated.
“Most women don’t… Or don’t know how,” he added.
She knew that young woman once upon a time
And couldn’t help but wonder now
As his fingers created waves of pleasure
Reading each swell; cherishing each escaping sigh
“You are devastatingly beautiful,” he whispered.
She smiled, arched her back, and closed her eyes…
Enjoying his breath on her shoulder and neck
But like so many before what he could not see
The trembling her confident experience hid so well
She was destroyed on the inside.
~Just L (October 2, 2016)
Published in the November 2016 Blender of Love Digest.
Everything blows up
Love is a choice
And, as I once said to my son
As he curiously witnessed
My open hurting heart
“Be sure and choose it every day”
And when you don’t want to
No matter the pain
No matter how painful
When you do
It comes back to you
~Just L (found poem, May 8, 2009)
Author’s Note: I finally wrote this down on May 8, 2009. I said these very words to my son after he returned from Iraq in May of 2005. I have believed this FOREVER, and always will.
Do you know the feeling when you are approaching the last pages of a lovely book and you are not quite ready for the story to end? Savoring, perhaps even re-reading paragraphs so you can stay in that sweet state of sensory bliss just a wee bit longer? I am there. “There are better books to tackle,” they say. But, I adored our story so very deeply. I treasured every silly and sacred page. I am not quite ready to let the scent of it in my hands go; I like its weight; I want to feel the bind. A beautiful love story of 583 days that began not so long ago…. Only my hero left on page 459.
~Just L (June 15, 2016)
Author’s Note: I have read many books in my lifetime. I was so certain there would be a plot twist, a surprise ending, a volume two.